another poem.

I enjoy writing poetry at the moment. This probably makes no sense to anyone else, but I suppose that was sort of the point; sometimes thoughts are so confused it's easier to express them with something that doesn't quite make sense itself...

Inbetween the lines there are gaps that
can be filled now,
colours replace monchrome
chalk instead of the charcoal that,
though true to form, couldn’t capture any emotion
other than that which would just make your day worse.
Avoiding the cracks the pavement
Even though they’re safe now
You wouldn’t want to stamp on something
about as strong as an egg-shell.
Even though all you want is to feel without thinking
Stop holding it in.
Colour with your eyes closed
As though going over the lines doesn’t matter
Even if your life depends on it
Because life is what you make it
and you made nothing yet.

I haven't made a blog entry in a very long time now. It's weird, I don't even know why I like doing it because I'm not entirely sure anyone reads it or really cares, but it's still kind of better than just writing it down where no one will ever see it, dunno why, just is.

I like stumbling upon other people's blogs and just getting a bit of an insight into their life. People can be so intriguing when you know so little about them. Well, I doubt I am... but still. Some people lose their intrigue when you get to know them. I've been thinking about this a lot recently, and about first impressions and things. I've just started at uni this year so I've met so many new people, and it's really funny to see how I see people now, compared to when I first met them. I love some people now who I thought I'd never be able to connect with. It's also, I think, really hard to work out how you feel about some people. I change my mind a lot. I think this means I'm fickle. But there's not really much I can do about it. I really like uni life. I'm doing a lot of rowing, so training is like 7 or 8 times a week, which is pretty intense, but it's good to feel this fit. My sleeping pattern has been so screwed though. I regularly sleep in the day now. My dreams have got kind of cool too. Not really sure why. I do philosophy, so maybe it's all the intense thinking haha. But yeah, I keep getting dreams where I know I'm dreaming, and like, I just keep thinking to myself that it's okay because I could just wake up. And quite often I wake up into other dreams. Apparently if you can do this then you can start to try and control your dreams, so I'm gonna try, it would be awesome. I love dreams. It kind of freaks me out though when stuff happens that you don't think you could ever have thought of, or you do something in a dream that's bad and it reflects badly on you because it came from your brain. I think I think too much. I mean, I even think about thinking too much. But I literally think about everything, and I think maybe sometimes I'm too cautious because of it. Okay. So this has been long and rambly enough I think. I've been taking quite a few photos recently, so I'll post some here.

A note to future self

Okay so it's been a long time since I posted anything. I went on holiday to Italy and that was lovely, and I read lots that I'd been meaning to for ages, like Lord of the Flies, The Great Gatsby and Brave New World. They all made me think.

Anyway, now I've not got long to go until I leave for Uni, so today I've been making a collage that will remind me of things at home, so I looked in my "memory box" which is where i sometimes put random scribbles in. Anyway, here I found a random poem/ramble I wrote a long time ago. It's weird, because reading it back, it captures quite well how I was feeling at the time..

If anyone is actually interested in reading it, it's here.

Crystals of regret smatter the defenceless streets
Splintered dreams reflected in the moonlight
Spilling with a haze of memories
Seconds are gold of a foreign currency;
Value understood, but worthless to my mind.
Sense glinting in the depths
But smothered with apathy.

What is the value of time?
Too quickly gone, irretrievable
Moments of happiness barely appreciated
Remember this when the summer comes
Turn your head to the time of waste
Remember the mind that was lost to the pressure.
Do you still appreciate the one who pulls you through the day?
But who casts shadows of doubt
The one who turns your insides to a cascade of sand
That slips through fingertips,
Showers you in sour thoughts you beg not to feel
So as not to reek of bitterness.

Okay, well I did say this was going to be a bit of a random mix of a blog. But, the other day I went to see Carole Ann Duffy at a poetry reading, who is the English Poet Laureate and I absolutely loved her & her poetry. And it reminded me how much I like poetry- I studied Dylan Thomas last year and absolutely loved it. And I used to enjoy writing poetry too, so I thought I'd have another go. It didn't take long or anything and I was just playing about really, but any feedback would be welcome!!

It was sort of inspired by me having a lot of time on my hands now, haha, and how about 2 months ago it felt like I had none, and how time is so like, elusive and feels so different in different circumstances. And also, how in like the modern day a lot of time seems to be controlled by like computers and things, rather than good old fashioned ticking clocks, which I thought was sad in a way. Anyway:

It stretches and flies, it springs and it looms

It buzzes and flashes, it beeps and it crashes.
But sometimes I wish it would tick. 

“It’s precious”
So I tried.
To store it, or lock it, or keep it, or chase it, or mend it.

It spilt when I stored it,
It spread when I locked it,
It flew when I kept it,
It fled when I chased it;
I mended it and it broke. 

It’s alive, selfish.
Running.
Not ticking to give me time to catch up.
Time changed time.
It no longer ticks. 

This is just some of my artwork. Constructive criticism/opinions welcome :) 

A mushroom! Bit random, but hey. (in oil)

Some pearls that I never actually finished painting.. (acrylic)

More pearls (i did a project on them..) Pencil this time. 

This is a charcoal drawing from a life drawing session i went to. Sorry about all the stuff with it, it's from my wall..

 Thanks for looking!

;

So I'm going to post some pictures this time, rather than ramble aimlessly. I got a new camera for my 18th and I love it so much! I'm not very good at taking pictures yet but this should improve with time! 

I know flower photography can be boring... but I loved this colour! And I didn't have much else to take photos of. 

Okay, so it's dead. But I still  thought it was beautiful in a sort of sad way. 

So, me and a good friend were discussing some deep thoughts, as we often do. And it got me thinking about like, what it is that makes you remain the same person. I thought maybe it was memories. Because if we didn't have the memories of our whole life, then I suppose we wouldn't really be us. As I reckon it's our experiences that shape us and make us who we are today. But then people who have strokes and forget everything are still the same person. My great Aunt had a stroke and had to learn to talk, eat and walk again before memories started to come back. So then there's something else? The obvious answer would seem to be like, body. But that seems uncomfortably shallow, at least I think it is... Well we could lose an arm and still be us... we could lose a leg... and pretty much everything... but still be US. Except like, your brain. WOW full circle :) - so it's our brain? But when that's wiped... we're still us. 

Who knows :) 

I just find it so weird that I'm the 'same person' I was when I was a tiny little toddler. Like, I pretty much will have none of the same like cells or anything. I suppose what I really think is that personhood is just really bodily continuity. Like, we change so gradually that it's not obvious when we're completely 'regenerated'. It's like this thing I read once.. about like how you have a boat and you set sail, and gradually you replace all the parts, until you've technically got a new boat. But it's the same boat really, because it's the one you've always been sailing on. But if you were to assemble all of the old parts... wouldn't that be the original boat?

Oh isn't life confusing :)